Bar-mitzvah questions:

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Permalink Reply by Yisroel Phillips on October 31, 2007 at 8:39pm

Mazal Tov on your upcoming Simcha.

The first thing to say is that a bar mitzvah is not the celebrations, the dinner or whatever you plan to have. Bar mitzvah literally means "son of the commandment" and a boy is bar mitzvah and a girl is bas mitzvah automatically upon their attaining the age of 13 and 12 respectively. From that point on in their lives they become adults in Jewish eyes and are responsible for their own conduct and performance of mitzvos.

Any celebrations you have should be directed towards the real idea of bar miztvah, namely that it is a milestone in your son's life and should be the beginning of his being a life of Torah and mitzvos.

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Permalink Reply by Rivka Leah on October 31, 2007 at 11:09pm

I know that. What I'd like to know are what are the minhagim - for instance, I know that some people have the bar mitzvah bachur put on tefillin a month before - some a week before?, the day of? who has which minhag? what is the history behind it?

My second question isn't really a question because for me, I know the answer - rather I got annoyed at the person asking me, and wondered how many other people have the same misconception that everything should be catered to the guests. As in compromise our standards so our non-frum guests would feel at home.

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Permalink Reply by Chaim on November 1, 2007 at 4:23am

Coincidentally I had the occasion to review some ancient keepsakes from my own Bar Mitzvah just the other day; based on the invitation RSVP pages and notes written on them I can see that the event had meaning to many older relatives, cousins, aunts, and uncles, of my parents, for example.

I think we can extrapolate from this that there are good attributes of relatives who's only connection to Torah and Mitzvos will be through your family and your son. Of course I am not suggesting to compromise any standards counter to halachic norms, but from your families' perspectives this could be an event with significant meaning to them perhaps to see the family's Yiddishkeit survive to the next generation of adults, or something else.

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Permalink Reply by Baruch Meir on November 5, 2007 at 3:55am

Mazel Tov Rivka Leah and to all your family.

As in so much of the rich culture and tradition that Judaism brings to it’s multifaceted communities around the world, nearly every aspect of Jewish life is different for every Jew. Sometimes the difference is in what we know and sometimes, in what we don’t know. Our individual lives become a unique amalgam of history, law, custom, misunderstandings and those little things that may markthe start of a new tradition for any of us.

As you know, the arrival of a bar mitzvah represents the passage of time in a young man’s life. But, perhaps a more cogent question is, “What does the passage of time represent?” To be trite, it is different for each of us and the same for each of us.

A new year, a new birth, a birthday, a bar mitzvah, a wedding, an anniversary, a yahrzeit.

What do they share? They mark a date in the passage of time.

How do they differ? Any one of them may be a celebration, small or large, keeping up with the Steins, a time to go into debt, a time to cry in sadness or happiness, a chance to reflect or escape, to go to sleep early or sleep in, an intimate moment with family or friends or by your self, something to forget or to commemorate or............... And a repeating event or time will never be the same twice, for better or not. It’s up to each individual to make their own unique mark upon history and those that may share it.

I remember my Rebbi, may he live and be well to 120, telling me about his considerations regarding a photographer for his wedding. Since it is usually a big expense, was it worth it or not? He did have it photographed thinking that for his bride it would be something of importance to have. It was only many years and many children later, that he came to understand that the real value belonged to his children and grandchildren. And then it was clear that he, too, valued the memories and mementos from his parents and family; in some ways, more than his own.

You can find many books that will do a significantly better job than I can of listing and explaining the many different ways people celebrate a bar mitzvah. However, as much as I recommend you do get one of them, what they don’t tell you is what my Rebbi told me.

It is about the guests and it is about the bar mitzvah boy and it is about his family and it’s about the future. Hopefully, it isn’t necessary for it to be lavish to have meaning. If that is the case, I can tell you nothing more of value. But I know that this isn’t the case for you. So, I tell you, talk to your son and find out what ideas he has, and discuss your thoughts. You may need to narrow the gap between the two of you, but ultimately, you’ll find a son with a good value system will be happy with what’s really doable and important. Even more so, after it’s over, the appreciation will become greater.

As for the guests, certainly make the arrangements with them in mind. Make certain that all the details reflect your true values and feelings. Allow, where appropriate, to let them participate or help in different ways. Where not appropriate, tell them thank you, and that you want them to sit back, relax and enjoy the simcha. This is your family’s special time and opportunity to place your love into all the details.

Photos, before and after Shabbos, are an opportunity to involve everybody. Make a fuss over them. The fewer the people in the shot, the more important they’ll feel, with the exception of the ones with the whole mishpacha. Don’t worry too much about the extra cost of a couple dozen more photos. It’s a lot cheaper than the cost of bad feelings.

Share copies of the photos and don’t go with pre-printed thank you notes, as many do these days. Nothing’s more endearing than a timely, heartfelt note from your son, whether you’re helping to compose it or not. Even special thank you notes from you to appropriate people, provide you a chance to send the photos and to show them how much you really care about them.

For all you do, you must be comfortable your selves. And if it is done with love and Hakoras Hatov to Hashem, the guests and family will be able to leave, filled with the rich memories and traditions of a beautiful family simcha. If they’re not happy with an orthodox bar mitzvah, Rivka Leah, rest assured that there was probably precious little that you could have done to satisfy them without hurting you and your family. And rest assured, that the guests and family will probably think more happily and with pride about it as the years go on, especially when you’re not near enough to hear it.

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Permalink Reply by Rivka Leah on November 5, 2007 at 5:34am

Thank you for a beautifully thought out note. I'm going to share it with my dh. Clearly, our emphasis is not on the lavish and I doubt that our ds has any preconcieved notions about what he wants. Our concerns lay with the relatives who have no background in yiddishkeit. Where we daven - it is not exactly conducive to non-frum yidden. We do have a choice of which shul to use - the shul where I have been davening for the past 9+ years (my husband floats from shul to shul and has never settled on any one) or a shul which is very close to our home. Both have their pluses - but the minuses for our family loom large: the davening is very yeshivish, nothing is sung out loud, forget separate seating - in my shul the women are on a separate floor - and in the shul closer to home - the women are in a separate room which has to be accessed from the alley, I'm not sure if there are English/Hebrew siddurim, pages aren't announced, and on and on. I know that my mother has already expressed her disapproval and will continue to do so - quite loudly (ouch). She has also expressed to me that if we are going to be so unbending then why bother inviting any of the family. I'm not even touching on the fact that no one will be willing to be housed and will insist on driving on Shabbos.
We wanted to do this very simply - which is another thing that our families won't understand. I hadn't even thought that a photographer would be necessary; however, I can see how people might appreciate pictures.

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Permalink Reply by Baruch Meir on November 5, 2007 at 6:58pm

I’m not surprised by the issues. They are all too common. The few suggestions I have are not going to solve your difficulties but may at least lessen their impact.

Choose the location that you think either best fits you or least offends the others. Speak with the Rabbi and ask his advice about the situation and/or talk with others regarding the modern day practice of providing a “program” explaining what will be happening and some of the background for it. It may include something about separate seating, customs, meanings of prayers, some information about your son, his preparations and aspirations and even a photo of him. Sometimes there’s, also, a handout copy of the speech that he’s to give. Since it isn’t always easy to hear the Bar Mitzvah’s talk, the copy helps (plus, it gives the guests something to do while they’re getting settled).

Find out if there are any English siddurim or if some can to borrowed. If you know someone that has a nice voice and can daven with at least partial chazonis, see if “your good friend/relative” may be allowed to daven as part of the special occasion.

You can resolve some of the issues about Shabbos driving by adding the following to your invitations.

“In keeping with tradition, modest dress is requested
Shabbos Hospitality will be provided
Please call us at”

This allows for the individuals to make their own choices and not be compelled to drive. Be aware, however, that not everyone agrees with this approach.

Some people have chosen to indicate that “We believe that our son, the Bar Mitzvah, is the primary focus on this special day. Therefore, we have replaced a lavish spread with the mitzvah of charity for the needy and made a donation in honor of all our family and guests, to ........ We invite you to share with us a more modest and more meaningful celebration in honor of the Bar Mitzvah.” The size of the donation isn’t the focus, but the mitzvah is.

Keep in mind, an expensive photographer isn’t necessary. Just a good and simple one.

I hope this helps you.

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Permalink Reply by Rivka Leah on November 5, 2007 at 7:22pm

thank you again. I'm sure we will look back at what you have written to help guide us.

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