Chayei Sarah

Chayei Sarah

In this week's parsha Avraham sends out Eliezer to go search for a wife for Yitzchak.

Rashi (24;14) explains that Eliezer was specifically searching for a girl who performs acts of kindness.

The question is: Why was acts of kindness the only requirement in order to be fitting as a wife for Yitzchak?
In order to answer this question, let's first examine what kindess (chesed) really means...

The Rambam (Hilchos Avel, 14;1) explains that the term "kindness" comes from the famous teaching that you should "love your fellow like yourself."

However, what's the connection between kindness and love towards others?

Kindness means to show care, often performed through giving. In Hebrew, the root of the word "love" (Ahavah) is "give" (hav). Therefore, we see that when one performs an act of kindness for another, he is really showing love towards that person.

The question now becomes: Why was Eliezer specifically looking for a girl who fulfills the commandment to "love your fellow like yourself"?

The mitzvah to "love your fellow like yourself" requires one to connect and create a strong bond with others. Similarly, marriage also requires both partners to fuse into one force. After a man gets married, the Torah (Bereishis, 2;24) states that he should "cling to his wife and they shall become one flesh." The Gemara (Yevamos, 62b) tells us that a man should love his wife as much as he loves himself and that he should give her even more honor than himself. In fact, the Rambam (Hilchos Ishus, chapter 17) states that whenever a man's wife argues with his mother or sister, no matter what the situation may be, he is always commanded to stand by and honor his wife's opinion (even though the 5th commandment is to honor your parents). Similarly, the Gemara (Chulin, 84b) states that a man should honor his wife BEYOND his means. Interestingly, Rabbi Shalom Arush (The Garden of Peace) writes "A woman longs for honor more than anything in the word, specifically from her husband, and she will go to any lengths to get it." It's of extreme importance for husband and wife to truly love each other. To emphasize this point, the Gemara (Nedarim, 66b) relates that Hashem commands us to erase His name in order to prove the innocence of an accused wayward wife ("Sotah") so that the husband can continue his duty of loving his wife as himself. A husband's number one duty is to love his wife. For this reason, the Torah (24;67) tells us that Yitzchak loved Rivka right after they got married because that became his primary role in marriage and life as a whole. We should all be "bold as an leopard, light as an eagle, swift as a deer and strong as a lion" (Pirkei Avos, 5;23) to fulfill the will of our spouse.

Rabbi Shach wrote regarding searching for your shidduch: "The main thing you should look for is that they possess good character traits, for this quality encompasses all others." The Vilna Gaon once said: "It is easier to know the entire Talmud, than to fix even one character trait." Similarly, Rabbi Yechezkel Levenstein explains: "Although it was necessary that the wife of Yitzchak would continue in the path of our Foremother Sarah, peace be upon her, in converting the women, and helping spread emuna in the world, nevertheless, Eliezer didn't look for a woman with sophisticated religious philosophies, but rather, a generous, kind, and loving woman, who was not selfish or self centered."

Summary: Eliezer was specifically looking for a girl who performs acts of kindness (chesed) as a wife for Yitzchak because true love requires both partners to give--for in Hebrew, the root of the word "love" (Ahavah) is "give" (hav). Chesed (acts of kindness) comes from the commandment to "love your fellow as yourself" (Rambam: Hilchos Avel, 14;1). When one loves their fellow as themselves, they fuse together. Similarly, the Torah (Bereishis, 2;24) tells us that after marriage a man should "cling to his wife and become like one flesh." The only way to unite with a separate being is through giving (which shows love). In the end, the Torah (24;67) tells us that Yitzchak loved Rivka right after they got married to show us that they successfully united through giving. May we all be "bold as an leopard, light as an eagle, swift as a deer and strong as a lion" (Pirkei Avos, 5;23) to fulfill the will of our spouse.