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Being a Baal teshuva
anyone have any ideas about how to get your parents to accept your choice, im a teen, so its tuff, and i cant keep everything. Your support means alot!
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Ron Balofsky on -
Hi -
Firstly, I suggest you talk to Aish Hatorah, NCSY or another Baal Teshuva group that works with these issues all the time.
The most threatening issue most likely for your parents is that you are now doing something that makes them feel that they are not doing the right thing. This is a common string found by non-religious people when viewing religious people. It is also the largest reason why it is important to not perform Chilul Hashem to avoid the inevitable "This is what those religious folk do".
If at all possible, you can try to invite them to do something religious (something lite) to show that it is not a scary venture. I heard a wonderful story of a wife that was trying to become more religious but the husband was not interested. She began my making a special effort on Shabbat (Shabbos) to make a nice meal and have the house clean. Once she got her husband interested in the Zachor aspect of Shabbat and the positive aspects she was able to integrate the "tougher stuff".
The important thing for you to do is not make your religious inspiration seem as a rebellion against your parents.
I hope this helps.
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Permalink Reply by ashbaz :P on -
Thanks alot, i will bli neder check aish Hatorah, sounds like a good idea!
my parents are kind of anti religious, and they understand what its all about...i guess i just need to make a good impression like you said! thanks so much!
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Permalink Reply by Rabbi Aryeh Moshen on -
As a former teen BT (I'm now a 60-yr old Rav) it was very, very difficult. That was back before the days when it was popular to be a Baal Teshuvah. It is important to let your parents know that you still love and respect them, even though there are times you disagree. They are facing something very, very foreign to what they would expect, entering a way of life that perhaps their parents or grandparents rejected.
It is hard, but try not to give them any ammunition to opose your BTing. I gave my parents plenty. It really helped when a man from the synagogue came over to meet them. He said that they had produced such a fine lad that he HAD to meet the parents. That made a very good impression on them, even though it did not end the fights. I went on a hunger strike (eating only fruit and veggies and drinking lots of milk) for a couple of months. I had to make Kiddush and Hamotzey in my basement rather than upset my father by doing so at the dining room table, and some of the rabbis to whom I spoke offered me advice that was counter-productive.
Eventually, they came around. Hang in there.
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Permalink Reply by ashbaz :P on
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Thanks So much for your insight, its really a Blessing to receive advice from someone so experienced!- I will. I still eat what they serve me but i am shifting to just vegetarian, even though the utensils are treif...its like the im not eating but i do when i must, and its a slow process, very slow, and fights happen, but i hope they will come around soon,
H' helps us when we need it most
thanks alot again!
Asher
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Permalink Reply by Rabbi Aryeh Moshen on
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There is a lot of leeway in Halachah. Rabbi Moshe Feinstein (z'l) used to say that a Rabbi must have four pockets. In one pocket he places his decisions l'chatchilah (best choices). One he uses for the decision bdi-eved (ex post facto in Latin, meaning after the fact). One is for those decisions Bshas hadchak gadol (when push comes to shove).
One may, when one must, use treif utensils at least 90% of the time.
Do you have a local rabbi who can help you? If so, get to know him so well that he will recognize your voice on the phone. He should be able to help you decide which leniencies apply to you.
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